Muck

When you suppress too much- lock up all the bad things inside you and throw away the key- it starts bubbling to the surface. Pustules and boils filled with black, greasy, foul smelling muck erupt from your skin. It splashes on the people around you and the darkness seeps into them and it turns them against you until everyone you go near hates you. I'm covered in them, born from too many french fries and doughnuts; too many lies and secrets and deaths and betrayals, denials, desertions. I am encased in black muck and I can't get it off. I try to scrub it off, starve it off, run it off, but the boils keep appearing. Keep rupturing until I am alone with no friends, no family. Completely alone with the dark ooze that keeps everyone away. Maybe your computer screens will protect you; shield you from the splatter. I wonder if the muck will ever run out and I'll be able to show my face again. My hideously scarred face showing the last traces of my disease. It will never be completely gone because I can't bring them back.
I weighed 135.6 this morning. I ate half a sandwich and a huge slice of pizza. I'm scared I'm going to gain again. I never stay below 135 for long. I tried again to eat the muck away but I only made more.
Keep your umbrellas up around me girls or things might get messy.

Broken

My laptop is being total shit again and I can only use the computer in the kitchen until I get the new laptop some time next month. God I hope it's soon! But I can't risk my parents seeing me on here so my time is very limited. I promise I'll be on as much as posible though and I promise to keep losing lots of weight!
Unfortunately, I can't post thinspo from this computer. I'll post lots when I get the new computer.
Saturday was a water fast. At work! I'm so proud of myself. I had an eight hour shift. The whole place smelled like butter and sugar and coffee and there was so much free food just waiting for me to break. But I never did. I'm not even sure how I did it but I got through the whole day and left without a single calorie.
I didn't eat much today and tomorrow is another water fast. I was 136.6 this morning. I want to be 134 by Tuesday and 129 by August 1st one week from today. I might water fast three days this week to make sure it happens.
I can see myself shrinking. I need to make sure I keep shrinking.
I'm about half way done with Wintergirls and loving it.
Stay strong, girls, and I'll be back soon.
<3 Ariana

...

So, I did my water fast today. I did great until dinner. I had to eat with my parents and got stuck eating half a hamburger. It was like chunks of gritty petulance churning in my stomach. Ew! Now instead of getting to drink juice before bed, I get to enjoy stomach cramps and hunger pains as my body tries to digest the putrid filth trying to poison it.
And I have to eat with them again tomorrow. At a restaurant no less so there's no control over the gigantic portions and everything on the menu is horrible. I'll be having a bowl of cereal for breakfast, yogurt for lunch, then at dinner I'll "try something new" and claim to hate it so I don't have to eat much. Then it's proper liquid fasting until Saturday. No more horrible "family" dinners.
In other news, I bought "Wintergirls" by Laurie Halse Anderson today. I've been dying to read it since Alice D read it a while ago. My local Barnes and Noble doesn't carry it but I finally got out to Borders and started reading right away. I haven't gotten very far but so far so good.
I'll keep you beautiful girls posted.
<3 Ariana

Another New Plan

I start college in a month and I'm still so FAT!!!!! I'll be surrounded by new people and hot guys who aren't going to want anything to do with me because I'm bulbous! I make myself nautious.
For the next month I will be doing 2 days of water fasting, 3 days of liquid fasting, and two days of restricting each week. I did a liquid fast today and tomorrow is a water fast. I'll have a glass of juice before bed so I don't get sick like last time but that's all the calories I'll be having all day. Still doing at least an hour of exercise a day and usually over two hours.
My stomach is growling so I must be doing something right.
A demain mes ravissantes.
<3 Ariana

Rambling

I'm really exhausted. I'm not sleeping much. It's partially because of my job but even when I'm not working I don't sleep. I''m scarfing down caffiene in huge amounts but I wind up drinking high-calorie drinks and then I want high-calorie food. I want to do a fast but every morning I wake up thinking today's not a good day to start.
I'm trying to only eat health food and low-calorie alternative food and I'm not doing too bad at it. But I feel like I'm eating way too much.
I'm exercising two hours a day most days of the week. My thighs look smaller and more toned. I like that for now (but I'd prefer bony thighs and everything else).
I'm especially depressed this week but I'm also especially creative and busy.
I don't know. I just felt like it had been too long since I'd posted or commented on anyone's blogs. You're all so supportive then I go missing for days. Thank you for putting up with me, lovely ladies. I'm done boring you now.
<3 Ariana

Lovely Twigs

If you eat, you are fat. If you are fat, you are ugly. If people see you eat, they will think you are fat. If they see you eat, they will always think of you as eating. They will hate you for taking up too much space and resources. They will think you are disgusting and make snide comments behind your back. They will think you are pathetic.
But if you don't eat, you will be pretty. You will be thin. Everyone will love you and want to spend time with you. They will wish they could look like you. They will wish they could be as good as you. They will envy you. If you are thin, they will see how amazing you truly are.
I'm a bit depressed today. This mantra has been going through my head all night. I will be pretty again.

Skinny Jeans

A year ago I bought some skinny jeans that were really small on me. It's taken me all this time but I finally got them all the way on!
Still, I feel really fat. I had a java chip frappacino at Starbucks today and two cans of Mountain Dew. Worse, on the fourth I had two big pastries and a brownie hot fudge sunday heavy on the brownie. I'm really on the verge of going full on mia. I always feel sick after I eat but somehow can't stop it from going in my mouth. To make up for it I worked out for over two hours doing treadmill, bike, stretching, and various reps. I still feel gross. I wanted to buy all these cute shorts and pants today but I knew I'd look horrible in them all.
Food makes you ugly. I need to stop eating.
My friend C "used to be" anorexic. She still almost never eats. She's such an inspiration to me because she always resists food and works out for hours every day even if it means she doesn't have time to sleep. She just got home from a long trip and I'm going to see her tomorrow so I'm going to follow her lead and not eat any more than she does. If I only eat what and when she eats I'll probably come home only eating breakfast and dinner and around 300 calories in total.
I want my skinny clothes to fall off me. I want to be a skinny mini.
I'm ugly today because I ate. Tomorrow I'll try to be pretty like C and all of you, my thinspirational girls. Keep doing great and I promise I'll do better.
<3 Ariana

Water Water Everywhere and Nothing Else To Drink

I had no internet all day. It was so frustrating! I wanted to share my good news with all of you. Not only did I do my water fast but I felt great! I wasn't dizzy or disoriented at all. I did have a mild headache on and off but I felt so GOOD and hardly any hunger at all. I only did 15 minutes on the bike but that's more than I've done on other water fasts. I weighed in at 138.8 yesterday morning and 137.2 this morning!

I decided not to have anything to drink after midnight either for a grand total of 33 hours without a single calorie. Unfortunately, I woke up feeling like absolute shit. I had a fever and could hardly stand. Parts of my body kept going numb. My blood sugar felt okay yesterday but over night my hypoglycemia got the best of me and my blood sugar crashed to dangerously low levels. So I broke my fast for half a can of chicken noodle soup and I'll have a small dinner. I'm allowing myself upto 1000 calories today (although I'm not sure I can make myself drink that much after the last few days of fasting and restriction) to get my sugars stable again then it's back to restriction tomorrow. I'm just going to play it by ear today, do the minimum of what I need to do for my health.
I'd like to thank all of you who suported me. It means so much. I love you all, my skinnies!
<3 Ariana

On My Way To A Lovely Me

I did my first official all-day liquid fast!!! I almost didn't get away with it because my parents kept trying to make me eat but no food passed my lips. Today I had a glass of milk, hot cocoa, a protein drink, and some crystal light for a total of 430 calories. I'm totally psyched for my 24 hour water fast tomorrow. Not one calorie all day, not even gum.
I'm no where near where I hoped to be. In fact, I shamefully admit that I'm still 140 but tomorrow I'm hoping to be 139 and working toward 136 or 135 by the fourth when I'll be premiering this absolutely fab top I've been waiting months. Single strap, flashy beads, and red so it's perfect for independance day ;P. I think I'll be at the beach July 11th based on my and my family's work scheduals so I need to be no more than 133lbs when I don my tiny bikini. Then I'll be swimming at my friend C's pool and I'm planning on going to the beach again with her so I've got to lose lots and lots of weight really fast. Most of all, I don't want all my new friends at college to think of me as a fat slob so I need to be the skinniest me I can be before I move into my dorm!
Anyways, wish me lots of strength mentaly and physically. Love ya all.
<3 Ariana

Push It!

I did the 500 calories yesterday and today. I have the next three days off work and not much to do. So tomorrow is a traditional liquid fast aka no dinner; same deal for my water fast Monday and Tuesday is another liquid fast (maybe with dinner if I'm absolutely about to drop). I don't know how much exercise I'll be doing as the calorie restriction is making me a bit dizzy so fasting definitely will. But maybe my body will adjust and if not, there's always the stationary and floor exercises. For the next three days I'll be pushing my body and will as far as they'll go.
Wish me luck, lovelies and I'll wish you the same.
<3 Ariana

Talk Fast

I have internet but for how long I can't say. So I'll keep this short.
I ate less than 700 calories yesterday. I estimate it to be 660. Today I'm aiming for under 500. Tonight I'll find out my schedual for next week and I'll plan a 24 hour water fast for a day I'm not working.
I managed to get caught up on blogs and everyone seems a bit down. I hope things turn up. I love every one of you and I wish you happiness and hip bones.
Much love for my lovely girls!
<3 Ariana

Sorry

My internet is such shit! I can't stay online for more than a couple minutes! Getting a new computer soon.
Love you all, pretties.
<3 Ariana

Promises, Promises

I believe its been a week and a half already since I said I had something special to post and I still haven't. So a quick update then my great discovery.

The liquid fast went fantastic yesterday. I think dinner was closer to 4 or 500 calories but it was mostly lean steak and I mostly had crystal light and I did an hour of cardio including a short run.
Today I wound up drinking a lot of chocolate milk but it was low fat and had 8 grams of protein per glass. Again, I think I probably went a little over my allotted dinner calories but I don't have an exact number. Anyways, I lost a lb from yesterday morning and I'm really hoping for the same results. Hopefully with how much I've been eating I can drop five or six lbs this week.

Now for the prize inside. Something every ana should know about. And its a company called Walden Farms. They sell condiments but not just normal condiments, theirs are free of CALORIES, FAT, SUGAR, CARBS, and GLUTEN! They have mayo, peanut spread, jams, syrups, veggie and fruit dips, pasta sauces, salad dressings and more! so far, I've tried their ranch dressing and caramel fruit dip. Now, I'm not going to lie and say that they were amazing in comparison to full fat and sugar versions (which those products would of course normally be PACKED with) but for diet versions they were pretty good and for having no calories it is fantastic! If you read the fine print there are "trace calories" in the ingredients but they're required to report even 5 calories so there has to be less than that. I'll definitely be trying more of there products in the future and I recommend checking out their website and finding a grocery store near you that sells their products or ordering something.
www.waldenfarms.com
When I saw this I knew I just had to share it with others looking to cut calories and become more beautiful. If anyone tries anything, please tell me if you liked it.

That's my two cents for today, my pretties.
<3 Ariana

Quick Dip

sorry I'm a bit M.I.A. lately. My computer is being shit and wont stay online for long. I'm looking for a new one or rather a used one. Rest assured I'm keeping up with blogs. It's just hard to get posts up before it craps out on me.

I'm helping my best friend pack for a really long trip tomorrow. There will be cookies. Possibly pizza. I might just die.
But Monday starts a five day liquid fast in my traditional style. That means dinner with my parents and something sensible on days I have work. It's weak but I don't binge when I have dinner to look forward to. But I promise, no more than 300 calories. I'll stick to water and crystal light as much as possible. I wont let you or me down.
I got a pitcher for my crystal light today. It doesn't sound like much (or look like much) but I was excited. No more guesstimating how much powder to use and how many calories it is. Now I just make 2 quarts and get it just as easy as the high calorie juices and sodas in the fridge. Sorry about the random tangent. XP

Be thin, my lovelies.
<3 Ariana

Good- Sorta

Today, my family took a trip to a little beach town semi-near by for lunch. We went to a restaurant we only go to once a year so I did want to eat while I was there. So I skipped breakfast entirely, got a cheese burger, the best fires ever, and some gourmet ice cream (and didn't finish any of it but still ate a lot), then dinner was just a small bowl of fruit (negative calories!) and some crystal light. Plus a good deal of walking and some stretches and some time swinging. All in all, not too bad. Really good for eating out!
I found a new source of modivation last night. I realized that soon I'm going to see this girl B who I absolutely hate. We used to be friends because I took pitty on her cuz no one liked her. But it wasn't long before I realized why no one liked her. She's stupid, fat, lazy, whiney, cries a lot for no reason (and gets snot on you when she does EW!), and SHE DOESN'T BATHE!!! She constantly complains about her life but is always doing things she knows will make it worse just for the attention. Words can't describe what a pain in the ass she is. But before I knew all that I got a couple of my nicer friends to hang out with her too and she's invited to a couple of their graduation parties. Now, when I say she's fat I mean she is perfectly round and eats junk meals TEN times a day!!! Me, B, and my other friend who puts up with her C (yes, that makes us ABC lol) used to get together for sleep overs and B would eat more for breakfast than C and me put together the entire time we were together, then she wanted lunch two hours later. The three of us decided to lose weight together at the begining of the year. In January I lost 10 lbs, C lost 5, and B was so proud of her self because she lost 2 LBS! The whole month! And she celebrated with a foot long sub, chips, fries, and cookies! And that was just in the two hours we were together. Anyways, we got in a huge fight because she was being ridiculously bitchy and self-centered and after she made a huge scene in public I stopped talking to her. It's been four months since I last saw her and I want to be fucking skinny! I want to show that nightmare what real work'll get you. I'm not sure when one of the parties is but one is in two weeks so I'm fasting in some form or another every day til then.
Tomorrow is a fruit fast, maybe a little dairy and some crystal light but that's it. I have to admit it eventually, I'm back to a disqusting, sickening 140lbs! YUK! But I want to be bellow 135 by the party. I'm going to aim for 132 by June 12th!
Sorry this got a bit rambly.
Wish me luck, ladies. Think thin.
<3 Ariana

Whoosh!

That's how my head feels. All whoosh like :) I'm a little feverish on and off today and really tired after an extremely busy day at work and keep getting light headed from coughing fits and just started my period (it's been over two months and I have to say I was kind of proud when I never got it, like I was doing something right). After catching up on blogs I had another coughing fit and now feel pretty shitty and whoosh. So this is going to be short. I'll try to post what I was planning tomorrow or at least really soon.
I didn't eat at work today which I was proud of. I could have gotten one of the really decadent deserts today. I really wanted something cold on my throat and that was about all we had but I didn't have any. It probably doesn't sound all that impressive to anyone else but my will power has been so low lately and between stress, hormones, and a strong burning sensation in my throat I was proud to have just said no to food in general.
So that's the small little world of my throbbing head.
Be thin, dears.
<3 Ariana
p.s. being bloated and crampy my tummy is smaller than it was yesterday when I wasn't. Strange, huh?

Sick :(

Hello to my lovely new follower Alice D. (I love that name; it sounds like drugs ;P lol)
Well, yesterday's daytime water fast went well. I wound up eating probably around 500 calories at dinner :C but at least that's better than what I've been tending toward lately.
But this morning I woke up with a swollen throat and fever. Since I need to be able to work tomorrow I wound up foregoing the liquid fast. Instead I ate lots of soup (with noodles :( ) and popsicles and cold drinks. But it did mean that even though I didn't wind up going out I didn't have to eat a proper dinner!
Tomorrow I plan to have some eggs and fruit and grab some beef vegetable soup at work so there aren't any more horrible noodle infractions.
Also, I did something I realised I should have done months ago and bought some crystal light raspberry lemonade mix. No more wasteing 110 calories a glass! Just 5 calories and no sugar- B-E-A-Utiful!
I'll leave things there but I've got something special to tell you about tomorrow.
A demain, mes petites.
<3 Ariana

None Shall Pass!!!

First of all, a big hello to my beautiful new follower Hazel. I absolutely love your blog!


But on to business. I have basically done nothing all week but binge. I haven't had a single day under 1000 calories since the begining of the month and have been averaging probably between 2000 and 3000 whopping disgusting calories!!!!!!!! It has been unseasonably hot and humid this week and that means tons and tons of cookies breaking at work, melty, doughy ones like I love. But I found a wonderful way to motivate myself to cut down on the calories while reading Hazel's blog. Starting today I will be doing one conditioning exercise for every 5 calories I consume. 50 extra reps should make me think twice before I pick at one of those cookies!

I have two days off work now so I'm taking full advantage of the limited temptation surrounding me and doing a water fast today and a liguid fast tomorrow. I'll try to skip dinner if I can. I think I'm going out tomorrow night so I can most likely get away with just a protein shake. I'm not gonna mess this one up damn it! I have to get my self control back before I turn into a house.

Wish me luck, I'm going to need it.

Be thin my pretties.
<3 Ariana

**Edit**
The post time says it was still last night when I posted but here it is morning.

Bad bad bad

In retrospect after an almost two-week binge maybe a water fast wasn't the best way to start off. I was so hungry! My stomach was growling when I got to work and I had a horrible head-ache. And low and behold we had a bunch of cookies break. I had four hours left to my shift and customers were a pain in the ass today; one of them took a whole FIFTEEN MINUTES to order two sandwiches!!!!!! Anyway, I wound up eating three!!! CRAP! They weren't even that good, no chocolate or anything but the texture and chewing were so good.
But tomorrow is a liquid fast. Much more manageable especially with an endless supply of coffee in the afternoon. So the plan is a little milk and lemonade through the day then lots of coffee when I get to work and some decaf for dinner. Then friday's water fast only lasts til dinner so that wont be too hard.
I wont fail again! I can't! Not one more solid object will pass my lips until Friday night. I swear.
Be skinny, lovelies.
<3 Ariana

I'm Back

I'm back on the blogosphere and so many things have changed!
Of course there's GRADUATING!!! I was bigger than I hoped but not as big as I could have been. There was a five course meal after! FIVE! How?! I had so many left overs. I'm still working on them.
I got a job too! It's at the cafe I meantioned a long time ago. I'm surrounded by delicious smelling/ looking (/tasteing) food all the time. I get free coffee and soup (yay!) and soda and broken cookies (yikes!) and discounted baked goods and huge cheesey entrees. I'm going to have to be extra strong if I'm not going to eat there but I will do it.
I also got some new shape-ups. I wear them at work where I'm constantly walking around and for the ten minute power walk to/from work I take when it's not raining or after dark.
I've been eating like crazy for nearly two weeks now. I'm not sure exactly how much weight I've gained but I've definitely got a lot of work to do. On the bright side, since I've been consuming so many calories it shouldn't be too hard to drop 5 lbs fast. I always go to the beach at the begining of July so my new goal is to reach 120 by the time I don that bikini in a month and a half.
I've been really looking forward to fasting again instead of dreading it like I had been recently. I've gotten binging out of my system for a while and I'm reved up to drop the gut I've been reunited with. I don't officially start fasting until wednesday. The plan is: Teus: Restrict- 1 left over cheese manicotti and breadstick to finish off the more expensive of the leftovers (the cheaper ones I'll just throw out), a cup of the soup of the day for dinner, and liquids not to exceed 1000 calories total; Wed: Water Fast- from the soup on Teusday to breakfast Thursday, maybe some milk after 1am thursday if I can't get to sleep; Thurs: Liquid Fast- straight through midnight, nothing but juice, coffee, milk, and water; Fri: Water Fast- I'll have to eat a little at dinner but nothing else. I'm working nights this week and next so I don't have to eat with my parents on the nights I work. I can claim to have eaten at work and have soup or skip dinner all together. (Ana is trying to help me fast!) I'll be fasting next week too then I'm thinking restrict for a week then fast another week.
I will be thin this summer!!!!!
<3 Ariana

Insanity

First, I'd like to give a big hello to my new follower, Liz! Welcome.
I'd also like to say sorry for the bad timing. I've been feeling extra unstable and obsessive lately. I've been writing it off as not being a big deal which maybe it's not. But after a fight with my mom it feels like a big deal now. A little background is needed here. My mom is bi-polar, I think. It could be something else along those lines but I've done a lot of research and started taking psych classes and bi-polar seems to fit her symptoms best. No matter what it is, she's got a serious problem and refuses to get help. She has these fits that can sometimes get violent and today she had a big one. Luckily, she had to leave for work but it had me really scared. It made me worry that I could wind up like her. My mind's been so out of control lately and now I'm afraid that even though my problems are completely different from hers I'm going to become as bad as her. I don't plan on stopping the dieting and blogging but I think it would be best to take a break. It's become my whole life lately (it's litterally all I do with my spare time) and I just need to prove to myself that I am capable of stopping and going back to the things I enjoyed before. I'll be trying to eat normally and balanced for a couple weeks (which unfortunately means I'll probably put on a couple lbs :( )and I might still read and comment on blogs but I probably wont blog very often. I had a fast planned for the 19th through the end of the month so I'll definitely be back then. Until then I wish everyone lots of loss.
Again, I'm sorry but I need to do this.
<3 Ariana

"You're so thin now"

For the very first time all year my mom complimented me. And it wasn't even a you've lost weight, it was a you are THIN. I think she might be starting to suspect an ED but then, she has decided I was anorexic when I've gained five lbs before. I never know how to take compliments from her since they're so rare.
Dispite what she says I feel HUGE!!! I've been binging a ton. I'm going to try to liquid fast Monday thru Friday.
Nothing much more to say. Think Thin!!
<3 Ariana

Disapointment

I feel so fat! I went to Starbucks with my mom today because she was hungry and I was in dire need of caffeine. Well, if you've ever looked at the calories at Starbucks you'll know you can barely walk in the place without gaining major pounds. Well I got a grande mocha, non fat, no whip of course and mom got a lemon loaf. My mom NEVER asks me if I want anything when we go out but today she asked me if I wanted a lemon loaf too. I really wanted to eat something because I felt weak and had a long day of shopping ahead of me so I wound up saying yes. I CAN'T BELIEVE I DID THAT! And it wasn't even that good today but I ate the whole thing up like I hadn't had a bite to eat all week. I mean I devoured it. Then a few hours later I had a granola bar, another 130 calories! And then a hamburger- just the patty- with onions (neg calories!) and katsup with water. And all that was AFTER a yogurt, an egg, and whole wheat toast. The only good thing is my parents saw me eating all of it.
I don't want my parents to know I'm not eating because then they'll force me to eat. But I kind of wish they'd notice something. Notice I barely buy groceries anymore. Notice that the food I do get just sits there for weeks. Notice that the boxes of food may be open but that they're still 100% full. Most of all I just wish they would notice that my weight loss for this year is going on TWENTY LBS! They haven't said a single word about the seventeen lbs I've taken off. I've told them my clothes are too big. I'm wearing things that used to barely, if at all, fit. I'm wearing a size down in jeans. But still nothing. I guess I should be glad they're clueless, means I don't have to eat. But sometimes I wish they paid any attention to me.
Well that's enough self-pity I think. Think thin!
<3 Ariana

Thinspo!!!

I figured it was time to work out uploading pictures so here's the first of lots of thinspo...

Like A Kid Again

I weighed in at 133.4 this morning. My weight hasn't been 133 since I was a freshman! Now I want to beat my freshman low weight (and the lowest specific weight I can remember) of 130.0. I'm super determined to get there. I will not fail!
I'm water fasting today but I did eat a sandwich. I nearly fainted, in front of my dad no less, so I had two super thin pieces of turkey on whole wheat. But I'm back to the fast. I shall not look at this like a failure and then binge because I've already broken my fast, but start the fast all over. I will reach 120's next week no matter what it takes!
Think thin and stay strong! You can do anything you set your mind to.
<3 Ariana

BMI

Inspired by Jenny Will Be Perfect's blog I decided to check my BMI and was shocked to see it was 20.6. I know it's not amazing but I expected it to be like 22 or 23 so it was a nice surprise. I went on to figure that when I reach my first goal weight of 120.0 my BMI will be 18.4 which is on the very very tippy top of the underweight class. I can't wait to see myself after losing the 14lbs between here and there. I've lost the first sixteen over the last four months and I bet I can lose the next fourteen in half the time! I will be skinny. I will be beautiful. I will have control.
I didn't reach my goal last week because of a binge here and a treat there (and another couple binges- it was not a good week for binging). This week I've set a big goal: from 136 at the begining of the week down to 131 by Monday. Today was 134.4 but yesterday I was back to 136 again so it's a big loss for one day. I water fasted Monday, liquid fasted Wednesday, and I'm water fasting tomorrow. If I don't reach my goal this week, I'll liquid fast on Monday. I'm super determined with graduation so close. I will lose at least five lbs before then no matter what it takes!
In other news, my laptop is finally fixed so I'll have plenty of time to read blogs and I'll be looking for new blogs (so if anyone has one they love or just wants to promote theirs now's the time).
I'm off to read blogs.
<3 Ariana

Quick Update

I know I said I was going to try that new diet last week but I felt so bloated and decided to liquid fast instead. Then I consequently bingedand wound up canceling out all my hard work. I water fasted yesterday and did well today until my mom wanted to get but one get one free sundays. I really wanted ice cream and caved. An isolated slip I promise. This week I'm doing a meal plan I adapted from two prothinspo.com plans. If it works out I'll post it.
Not much else to say except that I'm super stressed. Luck to all.
<3 Ariana

135

Okay, so it's actually 135.6 but I finally got there. I've lost fifteen pounds now this year and eight pounds since I started blogging last month!
I kind of binged a little today. I don't know if I'd really label it a binge but I had way too many calories. I'm not too freaked though. I'm going to breakfast at the bakery where I'm trying to get hired in the morning but after that I start a very strict 5 day diet of fruit, yogurt, and eggs (made without oil or if I do use any < 1 teaspoon extra virgin olive oil). I still love the diet I was on but I was on it for nearly two weeks and I'm in need of a break. I'll probably start back up with it Saturday unless some shiny new diet catches my eye before then. I might do a water fast one day this week; I've been really wanting to do that this weekend but I've been super busy and I don't drive and fast lest I cause a huge traffic accident. (Yikes!)
With May fast approaching I've really got to crack down. May is an extremely hectic month full of birthdays, anniversaries, brunches, and grill based road trips so it's going to be super difficult to lose weight once it starts and with summer trips and barbecues to follow things aren't getting any easier when it's over. And of course after the summer is moving into cafeteria meals, vending machines, and tons of pizza and fast food around me at all times! I know I wont make my goal of 120 by graduation at this point but I'm gonna get as close as I can. With less than two weeks until the end of April my goal is going to be to get as close to 130 as possible before May 1st. If I can be in the 120's on the 14th I'll be happy (and able to enjoy the night's four course meal at my fav restaurant (without the need to purge after).
I'm really tired so sorry if I'm rambling.
Non appetite!
<3 Ariana

My Great New Diet

I started a new diet a week ago and it's working great. I'm losing about half a pound a day and I'm eating! I feel like I'm eating way too much but you can't argue with results. So what I'm doing is eating a bowl of corn flakes for breakfast, a bowl of soup, a very small dinner, and up to two snacks of fruit or granola. It's a ton, right? I can't believe I'm losing weight eating so much. And I'm losing weight off my thighs. That NEVER happens!
That brings me to some amazing news: MY PANTS DON'T FIT! They are falling off me! I'm so happy. I'm going shopping this weekend to get some cheap new ones. They have to be cheap because I plan to go down another two sizes to a 3 or maybe even a size 1. That would be amazing beyond belief but I don't want to be able to run so muscle might get in my way.
I'm not settling for anything short of 135 this week. I've been fighting for it for so long meaning both in the month I've been on this diet and the three years I've gone without seeing it. I will make it happen! I'm only half a lb away; I would have reached it already but a poor decision about whether I could afford bread with dinner set me back to 137.0 yesterday, but I'm back to 136.6 today and I will not go up again. I'm really hoping to see it tomorrow and I'm being super careful about what I eat and drink today. But if I don't reach it tomorrow I won't rest until I'm 100% sure I'll see it Saturday. My official goal is to reach 134 by Sunday so that puts more pressure on to reach 135 tomorrow.
One last thing. I've started drinking green tea. Normally I can't stand the stuff but Bigelow makes an infusion of green and mint leaves that is absolutely delicious. I don't even have to add anything to it, the mint gives it the illusion of already being sweetened. I definitely recommend it.
Well, that's all for now. I'll post again when I hit 135.
Non appetite, mes belles
<3 Ariana

Quick Post

I did pretty well today. I stuck to my rules and got to skip dinner cuz mom's sick. Still, I'm pretty bummed cuz I'm almost down to a month til graduation and still have barely lost any weight. I want to be down 20lbs but with my freakishly slow metablolism the past couple weeks I'm wondering if it will be possible or if I'll just be a blimp as usual. I'm going shopping may 8th at the good mall that's far away and I want to be able to but skinny people clothes. I've got exactly one month til then as of tomorrow.
I'm hoping to hear about the job at the acursed bakery of delicious doom tomorrow. I really hope I get it but I'm not looking forward to all that temptation. Why couldn't we know the manager of a nice clothing store or something?
Wish me luck.
<3 Ariana

Been So Bad

Easter was a disaster. I know I had said I wouldn't eat if I didn't meet my weight goal but here's my thinking: I had barely cheated at all over three weeks, I was staying in control, and I had started that drug, the one that makes you gain weight (I'm going off it again cuz it's not doing shit) so I thought I'd treat myself to a tiny bit of breakfast and have veggies at diner. I had good intentions but it turned into a total binge. I started out just having 1 egg, 1 cinamon roll, and 2 small pieces of bacon. That turned into several peices of bacon and FIVE cinnamon rolls! How I could even fit that much in my body I don't know. It's terrifying. And it gets worse. How much worse? Crackers and carrots with super high cal dip for starts. Then half a plate of ham, beans that had bacon added in, potatoes that had cheese in them ( as if the potatoes weren't bad enough by themselves), and two butter rolls. Top it off with a slice of cheese cake and a handfull of jelly beans!
And I haven't been good in the past couple days either. I've been addicted to jelly beans, yesterday I ate ice cream (!!!), now today I eat an apple with peanutbutter, pop corn (1 tbsp of olive oil, no butter. I'm trying to add nuts and olive oil back into my diet because it's supposed to help digestion to eat fats. So far it's helping but those are the only kinds that are allowed by my rules which I can't seem to follow), then for dinner we had pizza so I had some of that then ate a chocolate granola bar, then a chocolate bar, then two bananas ( that weren't even ripe). I just couldn't stop eating! UGG!
The plan for tomorrow (or today as it's technically almost one here) is to liquid fast for the day and try and put together a meal plan that's mainly fat free fruits and veggies.
Well, that's all for now. Best of luck,
<3 Ariana

Backfire

I've been in weight loss hell lately. I worked really hard not to eat and even restrict on juice when my body was screaming at me. Fasting feels too good and I want to keep doing it. But my body rebelled against me in a way that finally got to me: the scale. I wasn't having any more than 500 calories a day, was exercising, and purging the small amount of food that passed my lips but I still managed to gain two pounds! So now I'm forcing myself to eat five meals a day. Most of these are under 100 calories and none may exceed 300 calories. I'm back down to 136.6 after two days of this but I still feel like such a failure. I was supposed to be breaking the 120s this week and I haven't even touched 135! I feel like crying. I don't know what to do. I'm so disgusting and useless.

Et Tu Scale?

I think my scale's battery is dying. Either that or it's broken. After giving me the same number for the third day in a row it then proceeded to give me TEN other readings ranging from 136 to 147! Then it refused to give a reading at all. Now I'm having a panic attack because I was relying on seeing a lower number to prevent a major binge and now I have no idea what I actually weigh! Plus if a new battery doesn't fix it then I hae to buy a whole new scale. It could be two weeks before I know what I weigh! And what if I find out my scale has been giving me low readings all along and I'm even more of a cow than I think? Ana help me!

Don't Eat The Muffins!

Okay, not the best known reference. I saw it the other day on Invader Zim. Basically, the stupid robot parents proclaim they've made muffins for a crowd and present a filthy toilet thus the above quote.
I ate the muffin. Not the gross toilet one, but half a giant chocolate chip one which when you look at the fat content is pretty gross itself. I got roped into breakfast with my mom today. She goes to this cafe up the street literally twice a day! (And she wonders why she's fat) Well, half the block works there and since my mom's in there constantly she knows every single employee personally. So today she wanted to introduce me to the manager as I am applying for a job there (oh, the buttery horror! But I do need the money) and we ordered breakfast while we were there. Since everything is packed with ungodly amounts of fat and calories and delicious I went ahead and ordered one of my favorites, the muffin of afore mentioned horror. I was stuck sitting there for over half an hour with a muffin staring at me, begging me to eat it and my mom watching me expectantly and before I knew it a nibble became half the damned thing! On top of that, the manager was too busy to talk to me and asked me to come in again tomorrow! Will the temptation ever end?
So I went through my day nautious at having eaten but in public so I couldn't throw up (which almost happened unprovoked anyway). And in my head all day was the daunting fact that I didn't lose any weight from yesterday even though I barely touched a thing. AND I had to go pants shopping. I've barely lost anything off my thunder thighs. I did manage to fit into the 7s when I would have had to buy 9s but even that victory was cut short because I was so bloated I couldn't fit into these really amazing pants that were unfortunately high waisted. They actually would have fit me just a couple of days ago but I have to where them tomorrow so I had to find something that would fit over my giant, swollen stomach so I wound up with pants I hate and are going to be to big to ever wear again. (At least they were cheap.)
I'm sorry this is so whiny but today has just compleatly sucked from begining to end. I've just wanted to hurl and cry the entire day.
Just fyi I did punish myself for the muffin with an hour and a half of heavy cardio.
Be stronger than I was today.
<3 Ariana

PMS

My laptop is broken. Isn't that lovely? So now I'm stuck sneaking on to the computer in the kitchen when no one's home. I'm still going to try to update somewhat regularly and keep reading blogs; I don't know if I could stay strong without them.
And I need strength right now. It's that time of the month when all that matters is shoving as much crunchy, fatty junk food down my throat as will fit. I'm depressed and bloated and all I want is to go on an uber binge. I feel like I haven't lost any weight. I know it's only been a week and I should be happy with what I've lost but it's like there's this all-consuming voice telling me that I've failed a million times before and I'm going to fail again so I might as well do what it is in my nature to do. God, what I would give for a big box of Captain Crunch. But I won't give my body.
Despite the raging hormones, my water fast went really well yesterday and now I'm back to liquid fasting. I weighed in at 136.4 this morning. I really want to be happy about that but I keep flashing back to like five years ago when I was hovering between 130 and 133 and that number would have made me sick. Albeit I was shorter then and it was before I got super fat again. Still I don't think I'll be happy until I see that fabled 129 that I could never seem to grasp even then. *sigh*
I'm hoping to see 127 by Easter. I've promissed myself that if I do, I can have a small portion of family brunch and dinner at the party we'll be at. I'm not exactly sure how I could get out of them if I don't so not getting caught provides a little extra motivation.
I still haven't told anyone I'm on a diet. Whenever I do, my mom starts asking if I'm on pills even though I've never used them (mainly because I don't have the cash) and everyone starts watching me eat and asking what I've eaten today. So I'm putting it off until someone asks and my family isn't very observant so it'll probably take another week or two of drastic weight loss to tip them off. I'm hoping it'll come up on Easter that way everyone will see me eat and not bug me as much.
Well, that's all for now my pretties.
Stay strong
<3 Ariana

Uggh!

Okay so after all that wonderful resistance at the mall yesterday and the hour of treadmill I was weak! I feel so horrible about it. Here's what happened. I came home and my dad told me we were having hamburgers for dinner. I was really happy because he makes them with 99% lean ground sirloin so I figured I'd eat it with some catsup and pickles for an indulgent but low-fat dinner. The thing is the word hamburger implies just a meat patty and bun with fixings but what he made was munster cheese burgers. When I saw the cheese I thought I'd just scrape it off and go ahead as planned until I realized it was munster. Any sandwich with melted munster in it is my kryptonite. It is the perfect hot sandwich cheese. So instead of my relatively healthy burger I had the cheeseburger plain thinking it's okay, I only ate a banana and a couple bites of watermelon all day. Then THEN I had one scoop of mint ice cream because I hadn't had sweets in a week almost (today would have been a week) and I thought I'd just have one tiny indulgence to carry me through the week to come. I have sinned and now I pay the price. 138.2 this morning. Exactly the same as yesterday! I think I was dehydrated when I weighed in yesterday but that doesn't change the facts.
So I ate the banana and ramen I had allotted myself for the day but I only ate about 1/5 instead of the 1/2 I was planning on. I've also decided to water fast tomorrow. I've decided to water fast once a week and liquid fast once a week (if I'm not already liquid fasting) so tomorrow is my day this week. I'm still going on the treadmill for an hour after I'm done posting and I'm still getting at least 30 minutes of exercise each day next week (I'll do more when I'm done fasting).
Despite this minor set back, I'm still really proud of myself. I've followed all the rules I made for myself without cheating all week! I've never gotten through the whole week without at least one "little thing I won't count". And I did lose 5lbs this week (4.8 but it will be five by morning). Over all, this has been the best week I've had since my crazy first diet when I was 11 that I mentioned in my first post.
I'm off to start a second super successful week. And if you didn't do too well last week make this one great!
<3 Ariana

Lucky Post # 7

Okay, so I actually enjoyed myself at the mall today. My friend and I mostly looked at books and jewelry so it wasn't depressing for once. We walked past so many restaurants though and everything smelled amazing. I came so close to buying a smoothie and these little Japanese chocolates but then I asked myself: Why would I waste my money on making myself fat, ugly, and miserable when getting thin, beautiful, and not hating everything about my body by not eating is absolutely FREE? Not only did I avoid around a thousand excess calories, I also saved $10 to put toward some amazing new clothes for my amazing new figure!
In other news I weighed in at 138.2 lbs this morning. I have a new low weight for 2010! This means I met my week's goal. Next week I hope to reach 133. I made a deal with myself that if I reached my goal and did an hour on the treadmill today and tomorrow then I could have half of a cup of ramen tomorrow. I'm worried it will set me back but it's an exercise in control and I want to have some treat before going into week 2 of fasting. Last time I fasted I barely made it through the second week. I was cheating in big, salty, buttered ways. I am not going to let that happen again. I am in complete control of what I put in my body and that's the way it's going to stay. I like the way I feel right now and I'm going to hold on to it.
Be thin. Be happy.
<3 Ariana

A Whole New Game

Okay so the steaks I was so freaked about that are usually as big as my hand and an inch thick were only about half the size of my palm this time. They were wrapped in cheese and bacon but I picked most of it off. (Not all. I was weak!) But my total intake for the day was an hor d'oeuvre sized steak and one glass of juice. So weight- Yesterday I woke up 140.8 and went to bed 140.6 (I never lose throughout the day so I was really happy about that) and when I woke up this morning *pause for dramatic effect* 139.0! Not only did I reach my goal for the day but I'm only half a lb from my 2010 low weight!
But I've got a possible adversary looming. My doctor wants me to try out this drug for joint pain. On the good side some of the side effects include dizziness and nausea so if I get dizzy in front of my parents or just don't want to eat dinner I can blame it on the pills. On the bad side one of the possible side effects is weight gain! *Screams* I mean it might not be a problem but if it is then, obviously I can't take it. I'll take swollen joints over a swollen body any day. I guess we'll just have to wait and see what happens.
In other news, I'm going to the mall tomorrow with a friend I haven't seen in a while. And mall means food court. My favorite fast food restaurants other than subway have closed shop there and we're blessedly avoiding meal hours but I'm freaked that she'll want to eat anyways and she'll expect me to eat too. I don't even really want to go; fatty foods plus clothes that are too small and look horrible on me is not my idea of a good time. But like I said we haven't seen much of eachother lately and I didn't want to blow her off.
Well that's all for now. Good luck and good diet.
<3 Ariana

Water Fast

So I did ok last night. I ate three slices of bread (ugh!) and two tiny pieces of corned beef but barely anything else. Still I wound up gaining a fraction of a pound and I want to be 139 before my fast ends tomorrow night so I water fasted today and exercised. My dad went and bought these huge steaks for dinner and I feel really bad wasting that money but I'm just going to nibble at it and stick it in the fridge. Someone will end up eating it but not me.
Over the weekend I'm going to eat nothing but fruits and veggies then it's another week of fasting. I need to be in the very low end of 130's by Easter. I've sworn off the candy this year but there's still brunch and dinner with various family members. That's tons of salt and fat that I can't afford and can only avoid to a point. So I'll have to work extra hard to make up for it. I get lightheaded exercising when I fast but I'm going to work through it every day. Promise.
I will make this work.
Stay strong.
<3 Ariana

St. Patrick's Day

So it's St. Patrick's day, a day to wear your green outside and in. I'm breaking my fast today because I'm going to a party tonight. As a family of near 100% Irish heritage today's a big day and my family eats accordingly. Corned beef, buttery rolls, and the best potato chips in the world straight from the factory. This is a day to pull out all the tricks I know to avoid packing on the pounds. But I will stay strong. I WILL NOT break my diet at this party. In honor of St. Patty I've filled up on fresh steamed greens to avoid binging.
This morning I weighed in at 140.6. I'm so close to the 130's! Also my low weight for 2010 so far is 138.6 so I'm only 2 lbs away. Then I can actually feel like I'm losing weight instead of just taking off what I gained. I have to keep my goals in mind tonight but I'm feeling so weak. If I binge tonight and wake up right back where I was I'll hate myself! Please, Ana, keep me strong.

May the luck of the Irish be with every diet today.

<3 Ariana

Fast Day 2

I did pretty good today. I only had 1 1/2 cups of fat free yogurt and water before the dinner I didn't finish. I took a walk and did lunges too. I'm going to do more tomorrow and probably the next day too.
My stomach is a little smaller that yesterday when I freaked out but I still look disgusting.
Not much else to say. Kind of tired. I'll try to be more interesting tomorrow.

Gut

I was just changing clothes and I saw my gut. I thought I was going to throw up and I don't mean on purpose. I still might. How did I get so huge? A month ago my stomach was flat. Not as flat as I would like but it didn't protrude. Even half a week ago I was saying I looked like I had dropped a couple of lbs. Even the scale says I lost a lb this week and I've been purging but I'm bigger. I pray that it's PMS (my cycle is always irregular so I'm never prepared when PMS rears it's ugly head) but it's more likely the brownie binge I was on over the weekend. I'M SO DISGUSTING!
Sunday night was horrible! I saw myself in the mirror after my binge as I was getting in the shower. I actually look worse than at my HW when i weighed a whopping 150lbs! That was around the holidays this year and I could barely look at myself and now I can't again. I had been planning on doing a fruit and veggi clense later this week but after seeing myself I knew I had to start a fast. NOW!
For me a fast intales nothing chewable until dinner and then as little food as I can get away with and generally goes Monday thru Friday. I did ok yesteday. A cup of coffee, a yogurt (I usually have non-fat but this was only low-fat which I regret now), and for dinner the smallest chicken breast (grilled) I have ever seen with skim milk and a couple of sips of lemonade (which I hadn't planned on so now I feel guilty about that too).

Past and Future

First of all, I don't see myself as being Pro-ana or Mia. It is a disease that when I see it in my friends it scares me. I worry about young girls and boys getting wrapped up in all the pro sites, pictures and blogs I see. I suggest to anyone with an eating disorder to seek psychiatric help. That being said, I haven't
I didn't get started because it was glamorized or popular. In fact when I first found Ana and Mia i didn't know what an ED was. I was eleven and up until that point I was the super skinny tall girl. My body was the one thing I had as the poor kid at a super snotty, super rich private school that everyone envied. It became my identity. Until puberty struck and my perfect figure became covered in fat. I gained nearly fifty lbs over the corse of the fifth grade and by that summer i had had enough. I went on my first fast: 1/2 a banana for breakfast, 1/2 a dozen crackers for lunch, and a can of chicken noodle soup for dinner paired with 4 hours of execise each day. I lost 10 lbs that week. Happy with the results and missing my favorite foods I decided to cut back on the fasting and just exercise. Until two months later i hadn't lost anymore weight and, depressed, went on a binge and gained back half the weight.
Repeat that a few times a year and you have the story of my life right upto my January-Febuary 2010 diet. I was going to lose twenty lbs in two months to reach my goal weight. I was really psyched about it and started out great. I did a fast of a glass of OJ for breakfast, 1/2 can of tomato soup for lunch, and a small amount of whatever was for dinner since my parents no longer accept crazy food phases as an excuse to not eat with them. i did great the first week dropping 7 lbs and another 3 lbs the next week. But feeling weak, i began adding more and more food until I was eating more than before I started.
Just for perspective I am 5'8"and as of thismorning weigh 143lbs. As an aspiring model/actress I get turned down a lot due to my weight. When i go to castings I see the clients staring at my thighs and hear them whisper about my weight (when they don't come right out and say it). My own manager barely bothers with me and never promotes me at events like the thin girls. It's not my primary drive in losing weight and if I didn't have it I would come up with some other excuse as to why I needed to take the weight off but a career in fashion is a pretty good motivator.
My weight loss goals are two fold with two big dates looming: Graduation and College. Gaduation is May 14th. I will lose 20lbs by then. That's only ten lbs a month so it's no too daunting but after my last failure it's a little scary. My second goal is to preemptively fight the freshman 15. I'm going to wait until I've taken off the first twenty to decide exactly how much I will want to lose but based on the last time I came close to my goal weight it will probably be around 10 lbs which I need to drop before mid-August when i leave behind a fidge full of fresh fruit and a home gym for cafeterias and vending machines. Yikes!
Wish me luck cyberworld.