When you suppress too much- lock up all the bad things inside you and throw away the key- it starts bubbling to the surface. Pustules and boils filled with black, greasy, foul smelling muck erupt from your skin. It splashes on the people around you and the darkness seeps into them and it turns them against you until everyone you go near hates you. I'm covered in them, born from too many french fries and doughnuts; too many lies and secrets and deaths and betrayals, denials, desertions. I am encased in black muck and I can't get it off. I try to scrub it off, starve it off, run it off, but the boils keep appearing. Keep rupturing until I am alone with no friends, no family. Completely alone with the dark ooze that keeps everyone away. Maybe your computer screens will protect you; shield you from the splatter. I wonder if the muck will ever run out and I'll be able to show my face again. My hideously scarred face showing the last traces of my disease. It will never be completely gone because I can't bring them back.
I weighed 135.6 this morning. I ate half a sandwich and a huge slice of pizza. I'm scared I'm going to gain again. I never stay below 135 for long. I tried again to eat the muck away but I only made more.
Keep your umbrellas up around me girls or things might get messy.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Muck
Posted by Ariana at 7:43 PM
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1 comments:
Don't worry, I'm sure you'll get there again :)
I also want to let you know that I'm going into recovery. I'm still going to be posting on my blog, but I can't follow your blog anymore because I would be tempted to read it and be triggered. I just wanted to give you a heads up before I unfollow you :) However, I still support you in all your endeavors, and you are always free to email me (thinneristhewinner1@gmail.com). Good luck!
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