Backfire

I've been in weight loss hell lately. I worked really hard not to eat and even restrict on juice when my body was screaming at me. Fasting feels too good and I want to keep doing it. But my body rebelled against me in a way that finally got to me: the scale. I wasn't having any more than 500 calories a day, was exercising, and purging the small amount of food that passed my lips but I still managed to gain two pounds! So now I'm forcing myself to eat five meals a day. Most of these are under 100 calories and none may exceed 300 calories. I'm back down to 136.6 after two days of this but I still feel like such a failure. I was supposed to be breaking the 120s this week and I haven't even touched 135! I feel like crying. I don't know what to do. I'm so disgusting and useless.

Et Tu Scale?

I think my scale's battery is dying. Either that or it's broken. After giving me the same number for the third day in a row it then proceeded to give me TEN other readings ranging from 136 to 147! Then it refused to give a reading at all. Now I'm having a panic attack because I was relying on seeing a lower number to prevent a major binge and now I have no idea what I actually weigh! Plus if a new battery doesn't fix it then I hae to buy a whole new scale. It could be two weeks before I know what I weigh! And what if I find out my scale has been giving me low readings all along and I'm even more of a cow than I think? Ana help me!

Don't Eat The Muffins!

Okay, not the best known reference. I saw it the other day on Invader Zim. Basically, the stupid robot parents proclaim they've made muffins for a crowd and present a filthy toilet thus the above quote.
I ate the muffin. Not the gross toilet one, but half a giant chocolate chip one which when you look at the fat content is pretty gross itself. I got roped into breakfast with my mom today. She goes to this cafe up the street literally twice a day! (And she wonders why she's fat) Well, half the block works there and since my mom's in there constantly she knows every single employee personally. So today she wanted to introduce me to the manager as I am applying for a job there (oh, the buttery horror! But I do need the money) and we ordered breakfast while we were there. Since everything is packed with ungodly amounts of fat and calories and delicious I went ahead and ordered one of my favorites, the muffin of afore mentioned horror. I was stuck sitting there for over half an hour with a muffin staring at me, begging me to eat it and my mom watching me expectantly and before I knew it a nibble became half the damned thing! On top of that, the manager was too busy to talk to me and asked me to come in again tomorrow! Will the temptation ever end?
So I went through my day nautious at having eaten but in public so I couldn't throw up (which almost happened unprovoked anyway). And in my head all day was the daunting fact that I didn't lose any weight from yesterday even though I barely touched a thing. AND I had to go pants shopping. I've barely lost anything off my thunder thighs. I did manage to fit into the 7s when I would have had to buy 9s but even that victory was cut short because I was so bloated I couldn't fit into these really amazing pants that were unfortunately high waisted. They actually would have fit me just a couple of days ago but I have to where them tomorrow so I had to find something that would fit over my giant, swollen stomach so I wound up with pants I hate and are going to be to big to ever wear again. (At least they were cheap.)
I'm sorry this is so whiny but today has just compleatly sucked from begining to end. I've just wanted to hurl and cry the entire day.
Just fyi I did punish myself for the muffin with an hour and a half of heavy cardio.
Be stronger than I was today.
<3 Ariana

PMS

My laptop is broken. Isn't that lovely? So now I'm stuck sneaking on to the computer in the kitchen when no one's home. I'm still going to try to update somewhat regularly and keep reading blogs; I don't know if I could stay strong without them.
And I need strength right now. It's that time of the month when all that matters is shoving as much crunchy, fatty junk food down my throat as will fit. I'm depressed and bloated and all I want is to go on an uber binge. I feel like I haven't lost any weight. I know it's only been a week and I should be happy with what I've lost but it's like there's this all-consuming voice telling me that I've failed a million times before and I'm going to fail again so I might as well do what it is in my nature to do. God, what I would give for a big box of Captain Crunch. But I won't give my body.
Despite the raging hormones, my water fast went really well yesterday and now I'm back to liquid fasting. I weighed in at 136.4 this morning. I really want to be happy about that but I keep flashing back to like five years ago when I was hovering between 130 and 133 and that number would have made me sick. Albeit I was shorter then and it was before I got super fat again. Still I don't think I'll be happy until I see that fabled 129 that I could never seem to grasp even then. *sigh*
I'm hoping to see 127 by Easter. I've promissed myself that if I do, I can have a small portion of family brunch and dinner at the party we'll be at. I'm not exactly sure how I could get out of them if I don't so not getting caught provides a little extra motivation.
I still haven't told anyone I'm on a diet. Whenever I do, my mom starts asking if I'm on pills even though I've never used them (mainly because I don't have the cash) and everyone starts watching me eat and asking what I've eaten today. So I'm putting it off until someone asks and my family isn't very observant so it'll probably take another week or two of drastic weight loss to tip them off. I'm hoping it'll come up on Easter that way everyone will see me eat and not bug me as much.
Well, that's all for now my pretties.
Stay strong
<3 Ariana

Uggh!

Okay so after all that wonderful resistance at the mall yesterday and the hour of treadmill I was weak! I feel so horrible about it. Here's what happened. I came home and my dad told me we were having hamburgers for dinner. I was really happy because he makes them with 99% lean ground sirloin so I figured I'd eat it with some catsup and pickles for an indulgent but low-fat dinner. The thing is the word hamburger implies just a meat patty and bun with fixings but what he made was munster cheese burgers. When I saw the cheese I thought I'd just scrape it off and go ahead as planned until I realized it was munster. Any sandwich with melted munster in it is my kryptonite. It is the perfect hot sandwich cheese. So instead of my relatively healthy burger I had the cheeseburger plain thinking it's okay, I only ate a banana and a couple bites of watermelon all day. Then THEN I had one scoop of mint ice cream because I hadn't had sweets in a week almost (today would have been a week) and I thought I'd just have one tiny indulgence to carry me through the week to come. I have sinned and now I pay the price. 138.2 this morning. Exactly the same as yesterday! I think I was dehydrated when I weighed in yesterday but that doesn't change the facts.
So I ate the banana and ramen I had allotted myself for the day but I only ate about 1/5 instead of the 1/2 I was planning on. I've also decided to water fast tomorrow. I've decided to water fast once a week and liquid fast once a week (if I'm not already liquid fasting) so tomorrow is my day this week. I'm still going on the treadmill for an hour after I'm done posting and I'm still getting at least 30 minutes of exercise each day next week (I'll do more when I'm done fasting).
Despite this minor set back, I'm still really proud of myself. I've followed all the rules I made for myself without cheating all week! I've never gotten through the whole week without at least one "little thing I won't count". And I did lose 5lbs this week (4.8 but it will be five by morning). Over all, this has been the best week I've had since my crazy first diet when I was 11 that I mentioned in my first post.
I'm off to start a second super successful week. And if you didn't do too well last week make this one great!
<3 Ariana

Lucky Post # 7

Okay, so I actually enjoyed myself at the mall today. My friend and I mostly looked at books and jewelry so it wasn't depressing for once. We walked past so many restaurants though and everything smelled amazing. I came so close to buying a smoothie and these little Japanese chocolates but then I asked myself: Why would I waste my money on making myself fat, ugly, and miserable when getting thin, beautiful, and not hating everything about my body by not eating is absolutely FREE? Not only did I avoid around a thousand excess calories, I also saved $10 to put toward some amazing new clothes for my amazing new figure!
In other news I weighed in at 138.2 lbs this morning. I have a new low weight for 2010! This means I met my week's goal. Next week I hope to reach 133. I made a deal with myself that if I reached my goal and did an hour on the treadmill today and tomorrow then I could have half of a cup of ramen tomorrow. I'm worried it will set me back but it's an exercise in control and I want to have some treat before going into week 2 of fasting. Last time I fasted I barely made it through the second week. I was cheating in big, salty, buttered ways. I am not going to let that happen again. I am in complete control of what I put in my body and that's the way it's going to stay. I like the way I feel right now and I'm going to hold on to it.
Be thin. Be happy.
<3 Ariana

A Whole New Game

Okay so the steaks I was so freaked about that are usually as big as my hand and an inch thick were only about half the size of my palm this time. They were wrapped in cheese and bacon but I picked most of it off. (Not all. I was weak!) But my total intake for the day was an hor d'oeuvre sized steak and one glass of juice. So weight- Yesterday I woke up 140.8 and went to bed 140.6 (I never lose throughout the day so I was really happy about that) and when I woke up this morning *pause for dramatic effect* 139.0! Not only did I reach my goal for the day but I'm only half a lb from my 2010 low weight!
But I've got a possible adversary looming. My doctor wants me to try out this drug for joint pain. On the good side some of the side effects include dizziness and nausea so if I get dizzy in front of my parents or just don't want to eat dinner I can blame it on the pills. On the bad side one of the possible side effects is weight gain! *Screams* I mean it might not be a problem but if it is then, obviously I can't take it. I'll take swollen joints over a swollen body any day. I guess we'll just have to wait and see what happens.
In other news, I'm going to the mall tomorrow with a friend I haven't seen in a while. And mall means food court. My favorite fast food restaurants other than subway have closed shop there and we're blessedly avoiding meal hours but I'm freaked that she'll want to eat anyways and she'll expect me to eat too. I don't even really want to go; fatty foods plus clothes that are too small and look horrible on me is not my idea of a good time. But like I said we haven't seen much of eachother lately and I didn't want to blow her off.
Well that's all for now. Good luck and good diet.
<3 Ariana

Water Fast

So I did ok last night. I ate three slices of bread (ugh!) and two tiny pieces of corned beef but barely anything else. Still I wound up gaining a fraction of a pound and I want to be 139 before my fast ends tomorrow night so I water fasted today and exercised. My dad went and bought these huge steaks for dinner and I feel really bad wasting that money but I'm just going to nibble at it and stick it in the fridge. Someone will end up eating it but not me.
Over the weekend I'm going to eat nothing but fruits and veggies then it's another week of fasting. I need to be in the very low end of 130's by Easter. I've sworn off the candy this year but there's still brunch and dinner with various family members. That's tons of salt and fat that I can't afford and can only avoid to a point. So I'll have to work extra hard to make up for it. I get lightheaded exercising when I fast but I'm going to work through it every day. Promise.
I will make this work.
Stay strong.
<3 Ariana

St. Patrick's Day

So it's St. Patrick's day, a day to wear your green outside and in. I'm breaking my fast today because I'm going to a party tonight. As a family of near 100% Irish heritage today's a big day and my family eats accordingly. Corned beef, buttery rolls, and the best potato chips in the world straight from the factory. This is a day to pull out all the tricks I know to avoid packing on the pounds. But I will stay strong. I WILL NOT break my diet at this party. In honor of St. Patty I've filled up on fresh steamed greens to avoid binging.
This morning I weighed in at 140.6. I'm so close to the 130's! Also my low weight for 2010 so far is 138.6 so I'm only 2 lbs away. Then I can actually feel like I'm losing weight instead of just taking off what I gained. I have to keep my goals in mind tonight but I'm feeling so weak. If I binge tonight and wake up right back where I was I'll hate myself! Please, Ana, keep me strong.

May the luck of the Irish be with every diet today.

<3 Ariana

Fast Day 2

I did pretty good today. I only had 1 1/2 cups of fat free yogurt and water before the dinner I didn't finish. I took a walk and did lunges too. I'm going to do more tomorrow and probably the next day too.
My stomach is a little smaller that yesterday when I freaked out but I still look disgusting.
Not much else to say. Kind of tired. I'll try to be more interesting tomorrow.

Gut

I was just changing clothes and I saw my gut. I thought I was going to throw up and I don't mean on purpose. I still might. How did I get so huge? A month ago my stomach was flat. Not as flat as I would like but it didn't protrude. Even half a week ago I was saying I looked like I had dropped a couple of lbs. Even the scale says I lost a lb this week and I've been purging but I'm bigger. I pray that it's PMS (my cycle is always irregular so I'm never prepared when PMS rears it's ugly head) but it's more likely the brownie binge I was on over the weekend. I'M SO DISGUSTING!
Sunday night was horrible! I saw myself in the mirror after my binge as I was getting in the shower. I actually look worse than at my HW when i weighed a whopping 150lbs! That was around the holidays this year and I could barely look at myself and now I can't again. I had been planning on doing a fruit and veggi clense later this week but after seeing myself I knew I had to start a fast. NOW!
For me a fast intales nothing chewable until dinner and then as little food as I can get away with and generally goes Monday thru Friday. I did ok yesteday. A cup of coffee, a yogurt (I usually have non-fat but this was only low-fat which I regret now), and for dinner the smallest chicken breast (grilled) I have ever seen with skim milk and a couple of sips of lemonade (which I hadn't planned on so now I feel guilty about that too).

Past and Future

First of all, I don't see myself as being Pro-ana or Mia. It is a disease that when I see it in my friends it scares me. I worry about young girls and boys getting wrapped up in all the pro sites, pictures and blogs I see. I suggest to anyone with an eating disorder to seek psychiatric help. That being said, I haven't
I didn't get started because it was glamorized or popular. In fact when I first found Ana and Mia i didn't know what an ED was. I was eleven and up until that point I was the super skinny tall girl. My body was the one thing I had as the poor kid at a super snotty, super rich private school that everyone envied. It became my identity. Until puberty struck and my perfect figure became covered in fat. I gained nearly fifty lbs over the corse of the fifth grade and by that summer i had had enough. I went on my first fast: 1/2 a banana for breakfast, 1/2 a dozen crackers for lunch, and a can of chicken noodle soup for dinner paired with 4 hours of execise each day. I lost 10 lbs that week. Happy with the results and missing my favorite foods I decided to cut back on the fasting and just exercise. Until two months later i hadn't lost anymore weight and, depressed, went on a binge and gained back half the weight.
Repeat that a few times a year and you have the story of my life right upto my January-Febuary 2010 diet. I was going to lose twenty lbs in two months to reach my goal weight. I was really psyched about it and started out great. I did a fast of a glass of OJ for breakfast, 1/2 can of tomato soup for lunch, and a small amount of whatever was for dinner since my parents no longer accept crazy food phases as an excuse to not eat with them. i did great the first week dropping 7 lbs and another 3 lbs the next week. But feeling weak, i began adding more and more food until I was eating more than before I started.
Just for perspective I am 5'8"and as of thismorning weigh 143lbs. As an aspiring model/actress I get turned down a lot due to my weight. When i go to castings I see the clients staring at my thighs and hear them whisper about my weight (when they don't come right out and say it). My own manager barely bothers with me and never promotes me at events like the thin girls. It's not my primary drive in losing weight and if I didn't have it I would come up with some other excuse as to why I needed to take the weight off but a career in fashion is a pretty good motivator.
My weight loss goals are two fold with two big dates looming: Graduation and College. Gaduation is May 14th. I will lose 20lbs by then. That's only ten lbs a month so it's no too daunting but after my last failure it's a little scary. My second goal is to preemptively fight the freshman 15. I'm going to wait until I've taken off the first twenty to decide exactly how much I will want to lose but based on the last time I came close to my goal weight it will probably be around 10 lbs which I need to drop before mid-August when i leave behind a fidge full of fresh fruit and a home gym for cafeterias and vending machines. Yikes!
Wish me luck cyberworld.