Muck

When you suppress too much- lock up all the bad things inside you and throw away the key- it starts bubbling to the surface. Pustules and boils filled with black, greasy, foul smelling muck erupt from your skin. It splashes on the people around you and the darkness seeps into them and it turns them against you until everyone you go near hates you. I'm covered in them, born from too many french fries and doughnuts; too many lies and secrets and deaths and betrayals, denials, desertions. I am encased in black muck and I can't get it off. I try to scrub it off, starve it off, run it off, but the boils keep appearing. Keep rupturing until I am alone with no friends, no family. Completely alone with the dark ooze that keeps everyone away. Maybe your computer screens will protect you; shield you from the splatter. I wonder if the muck will ever run out and I'll be able to show my face again. My hideously scarred face showing the last traces of my disease. It will never be completely gone because I can't bring them back.
I weighed 135.6 this morning. I ate half a sandwich and a huge slice of pizza. I'm scared I'm going to gain again. I never stay below 135 for long. I tried again to eat the muck away but I only made more.
Keep your umbrellas up around me girls or things might get messy.

Broken

My laptop is being total shit again and I can only use the computer in the kitchen until I get the new laptop some time next month. God I hope it's soon! But I can't risk my parents seeing me on here so my time is very limited. I promise I'll be on as much as posible though and I promise to keep losing lots of weight!
Unfortunately, I can't post thinspo from this computer. I'll post lots when I get the new computer.
Saturday was a water fast. At work! I'm so proud of myself. I had an eight hour shift. The whole place smelled like butter and sugar and coffee and there was so much free food just waiting for me to break. But I never did. I'm not even sure how I did it but I got through the whole day and left without a single calorie.
I didn't eat much today and tomorrow is another water fast. I was 136.6 this morning. I want to be 134 by Tuesday and 129 by August 1st one week from today. I might water fast three days this week to make sure it happens.
I can see myself shrinking. I need to make sure I keep shrinking.
I'm about half way done with Wintergirls and loving it.
Stay strong, girls, and I'll be back soon.
<3 Ariana

...

So, I did my water fast today. I did great until dinner. I had to eat with my parents and got stuck eating half a hamburger. It was like chunks of gritty petulance churning in my stomach. Ew! Now instead of getting to drink juice before bed, I get to enjoy stomach cramps and hunger pains as my body tries to digest the putrid filth trying to poison it.
And I have to eat with them again tomorrow. At a restaurant no less so there's no control over the gigantic portions and everything on the menu is horrible. I'll be having a bowl of cereal for breakfast, yogurt for lunch, then at dinner I'll "try something new" and claim to hate it so I don't have to eat much. Then it's proper liquid fasting until Saturday. No more horrible "family" dinners.
In other news, I bought "Wintergirls" by Laurie Halse Anderson today. I've been dying to read it since Alice D read it a while ago. My local Barnes and Noble doesn't carry it but I finally got out to Borders and started reading right away. I haven't gotten very far but so far so good.
I'll keep you beautiful girls posted.
<3 Ariana

Another New Plan

I start college in a month and I'm still so FAT!!!!! I'll be surrounded by new people and hot guys who aren't going to want anything to do with me because I'm bulbous! I make myself nautious.
For the next month I will be doing 2 days of water fasting, 3 days of liquid fasting, and two days of restricting each week. I did a liquid fast today and tomorrow is a water fast. I'll have a glass of juice before bed so I don't get sick like last time but that's all the calories I'll be having all day. Still doing at least an hour of exercise a day and usually over two hours.
My stomach is growling so I must be doing something right.
A demain mes ravissantes.
<3 Ariana

Rambling

I'm really exhausted. I'm not sleeping much. It's partially because of my job but even when I'm not working I don't sleep. I''m scarfing down caffiene in huge amounts but I wind up drinking high-calorie drinks and then I want high-calorie food. I want to do a fast but every morning I wake up thinking today's not a good day to start.
I'm trying to only eat health food and low-calorie alternative food and I'm not doing too bad at it. But I feel like I'm eating way too much.
I'm exercising two hours a day most days of the week. My thighs look smaller and more toned. I like that for now (but I'd prefer bony thighs and everything else).
I'm especially depressed this week but I'm also especially creative and busy.
I don't know. I just felt like it had been too long since I'd posted or commented on anyone's blogs. You're all so supportive then I go missing for days. Thank you for putting up with me, lovely ladies. I'm done boring you now.
<3 Ariana

Lovely Twigs

If you eat, you are fat. If you are fat, you are ugly. If people see you eat, they will think you are fat. If they see you eat, they will always think of you as eating. They will hate you for taking up too much space and resources. They will think you are disgusting and make snide comments behind your back. They will think you are pathetic.
But if you don't eat, you will be pretty. You will be thin. Everyone will love you and want to spend time with you. They will wish they could look like you. They will wish they could be as good as you. They will envy you. If you are thin, they will see how amazing you truly are.
I'm a bit depressed today. This mantra has been going through my head all night. I will be pretty again.

Skinny Jeans

A year ago I bought some skinny jeans that were really small on me. It's taken me all this time but I finally got them all the way on!
Still, I feel really fat. I had a java chip frappacino at Starbucks today and two cans of Mountain Dew. Worse, on the fourth I had two big pastries and a brownie hot fudge sunday heavy on the brownie. I'm really on the verge of going full on mia. I always feel sick after I eat but somehow can't stop it from going in my mouth. To make up for it I worked out for over two hours doing treadmill, bike, stretching, and various reps. I still feel gross. I wanted to buy all these cute shorts and pants today but I knew I'd look horrible in them all.
Food makes you ugly. I need to stop eating.
My friend C "used to be" anorexic. She still almost never eats. She's such an inspiration to me because she always resists food and works out for hours every day even if it means she doesn't have time to sleep. She just got home from a long trip and I'm going to see her tomorrow so I'm going to follow her lead and not eat any more than she does. If I only eat what and when she eats I'll probably come home only eating breakfast and dinner and around 300 calories in total.
I want my skinny clothes to fall off me. I want to be a skinny mini.
I'm ugly today because I ate. Tomorrow I'll try to be pretty like C and all of you, my thinspirational girls. Keep doing great and I promise I'll do better.
<3 Ariana